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Asking for What I Want

3/30/2012

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Anne Lamott wrote that when she was learning to eat appropriately, as in eating when she was hungry, not to compensate for some other emotional needs, she felt like "the world's oldest toddler."  I'm with her when it comes to expressing my needs and having them met.  I just wrote in the last post about the people I play music with not reading my mind and figuring out how to make me feel better.  I was kind of stuck in the emotion when I wrote that, then later asked myself what I could have said?  Instead of waiting for someone to ask me what would make me feel better, where's the rule that I can't ask for myself?  And why didn't that occur to me?
There are a lot of reasons.  Most of them would fall under a broad heading of having never learned that it was either safe or a good idea to ask.  At the very least, I wouldn't get what I asked for, and at the very most, I'd be in some kind of trouble.  In my family, this did not extend to stuff.  I could ask for and get stuff pretty easily.  What I didn't learn about was how to ask for what I needed emotionally in a family dominated by PTSD and alcohol.  And so now I'm learning for myself.
First off, this is scary.  What if I say, "I would like ......" and they, my music friends say, "So what?"  or "Who cares what you want?"  They would be kidding, and they would play what I asked, especially if it was my turn to pick the song, but still, sarcasm has a nasty bite to it.  Crossing this tender portal into asking for what I want, the last thing I'm looking for is being shot down.
Sarcasm.  I used to be sarcastic and it still shows up, in a milder form, when I feel defensive.   A past teacher of mine told us that sarcasm comes from the Latin sarc, the tearing of flesh.  That's what it feels like, when someone is sarcastic, and I apologize right here and now to everyone I was sarcastic to.  It is a defense against feeling and a defense against kindness.
Asking for what I want makes me vulnerable.  Not just me, obviously.  It makes anyone vulnerable to ask for what they want.  And if I don't ask, how will I ever get what I want?  I will, as I did a few days ago, hold other people responsible for my feelings.  In a perfect world, I would have learned decades ago how to ask that my needs be met in a healthy way.  And so, once again, the "world's oldest toddler" category feels just right..
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Being healthy.

3/30/2012

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The major recurring theme in all the columns I have written over the years has been our own responsibility for our health.  Yesterday I was talking to a cancer survivor who told me if she had not been proactive in her own health care, she would not be here today.  I have had people tell me, “If I needed that, my doctor would tell me,” ignoring the fact that doctors have minimal training in nutrition and none I know of in complementary and alternative therapies.  It falls to us to educate ourselves and make the effort required to regain and maintain our health.

Many people who come to me for sessions tell me I am so calm and balanced, I couldn’t possibly understand what they are going through.  If I am calm and balanced, it is through daily self effort, using the tools I know to keep myself that way.  I use deep breathing, stretching and Yoga, playing music and singing, massage, daily Reiki self treatment, TAT sessions when I feel the need, a good diet, laughing, having a wonderful group of loving friends, having dogs, wearing natural fiber clothing, sleeping plenty, drinking pure water, and having an active and ongoing spiritual life.

Let’s start with the free stuff.  Air is free, and here in the country, we have plenty of clean air.  Take deep breaths that make your belly expand.  Most people breathe little shallow breaths in their chests, bringing air only to the top of their lungs.  Fill up your lungs by letting your whole abdomen expand.  This brings you to a state of relaxation and oxygenates your system.  Try it.  You cannot simultaneously take 7 deep breaths and stay uptight.

Stretching and Yoga incorporate deep breathing and body movement.  As your body opens, as in stretching back, inhale.  As your body compresses or folds, exhale.  It makes perfect sense.  When we were taught stretching in school or sports programs, it was mindless and repetitive, which often led to injuries.  Use stretching in a mindful way.  Be inside your body as you stretch and breathe, so you feel what is going on and stop before you get to a hurtful overstretch.

Eating.  It’s not free, but you will be amazed how much cheaper it is to eat well than poorly.  I buy everything I can organic, which is more costly, but I can buy several bags of groceries for less than I see the people around me, who are buying prepared dinners, junk and processed foods.  It costs money to take perfectly good food and make it bad for you!  Go for raw food and cook it yourself.  What you spend on organic, good quality food you save in the long run with your improved health.

Drinking.  How many people drink soda?  It is a national or worldwide crisis that we are poisoning ourselves with this nasty stuff.  Sparkling water with a little fruit juice added makes a refreshing drink, much healthier than soda.  And diet sodas?  The chemicals in diet sodas are pure poison.

Of course I recommend massage and Reiki.  They are life enhancing and wonderful for anyone, especially when given by a skilled and loving practitioner.  And it is important to have good friends, people we can talk to and tell the truth to and let our hair down with.  If you have to be careful of how you act and what you say so your friends don’t judge you, you need to find yourself a new set of friends!

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Playing Music

3/28/2012

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Lots of people I play music with say they only play for fun, but sometimes that's like saying I only Love in the good times.  Sometimes playing music together feels almost as intimate as being in an intimate relationship, without the sex.  There are nuances and desires and unexpressed or expressed longings between players.  
My wonderful friend Dick Morrill, TAT professional extraordinaire, put it this way:  "Playing music is about a lot more than the music.  Music is about Love; creating something that gets shared by the players and the listeners.  That's why the vibrations  get turned into sound waves that we all can hear.  Even some deaf people say that they can feel the music." 
 Singing together, singing harmonies, requires a blending of sound which in turn requires listening to the other person in a deep and focused way.  This gives us an opportunity for a profound connection that we can take, or not, as we are led.  I am sometimes challenged by the discrepancy between the music we play and the actual energy exchange between us.
Last night I was really sad because my son is leaving for 2 years in Asia (tomorrow).  I've been playing music with the same people for five years or so.  They knew I was sad because I said so, but nobody said one kind or supportive thing to me.  I thought of what I wanted to hear, which was, "Well, Sukoshi, what would you like to play that might make you feel better?"  That would have made my night, I would have felt cared for, heard, appreciated, valued, all those things we talk to therapists about.  Instead, the only direct comment I got was sarcastic and kind of harsh.
Has playing music become the same as playing video games?  How can we share something so beautiful one minute and be so tuned out to each other the next?  I never thought about this stuff before I started playing so much music with so many different groups of people, mostly overwhelmingly men.  How do I "take care of myself" and still stay open and receptive, in music and in all other relationships?
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Connection to the Divine

3/24/2012

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I am a lifelong seeker of connection with the Divine. Whether I am singing or cooking, meditating or doing a session with a client, it is the inner feeling I am going for.  That is the intended purpose of everything I do, appearances often to the contrary.  Today I had a direct experience of what that means, through a TAT session I was giving myself about being successful.
What I got very clearly was the difference between an experience of that Connection, and talking about it.  I was thinking specifically about teachers who profess to connect us to our inner self  without themselves being established in that connection.
Our world is full of words and snake oil sellers.  There are so many people in the realm of "spiritual teachers" who have the right clothes, the right look, the right organic food and the right words, but when I am around them,  I feel like screaming and running out the door.  
Integrity is about walking our talk, not just talking it.  It has taken me many years to learn to trust what I feel inside, in spite of what I am being told.  Some teachers are genuine, and others just have words, words, words to draw us in to their own emptiness.  In the presence of a genuine teacher, I feel a quiet inside, a recognition of our connection.  When there are too many words, or the words and the vibrations don't fit, I get downright antsy and can't wait to get out.  It's when the teacher is saying, "Look at me.  I am the teacher."  Instead of "Let me learn from you, too."  There is such humility in a great teacher, because they know their Power comes the Divine, not from their own efforts.  
How do I do my best as a teacher?  I have worked hard and studied for just short of 50 years, from the time as a teen I first started learning about nutrition.  I have studied the body through food, vitamins, supplements, massage, yoga, Reiki and TAT, plus being a vegetarian and a mom and travelling all over the world.  And yet, when I teach,  all that is just information unless I can make it relevant and inspirational, unless I can touch you with my own experience, unless we feel a connection.  I mostly know about being a teacher from being a student.
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Massage in the Wall Street Journal

3/24/2012

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Massage in the Wall Street Journal

My cousin Howard just sent me a link to an article in the WSJ entitled:  Don’t Call It Pampering, Massage Wants To Be Medicine.  Even though that seems a teensy bit patronizing, especially as the article goes on to enumerate all the health benefits of massage therapy, we believers in “alternative medicine” will take what we can get.  Massage therapy as a lead article in WSJ means we’ve come a long way, baby.

Some of the conditions massage therapy is noted for, according to the article, include improved immune function for women with breast cancer, weight gain in premature babies, increase grip strength with carpal tunnel syndrome and improvement for children with asthma.  There are also studies on the benefits of even brief massage for over-exercised muscles.

The American College of Physicians and The American Pain Society now recommend massage therapy for low back pain relief.  I have personally wondered, like most LMT’s, what took them so long?!

Long recognized as a relaxing experience, one study has now found that “a single, 45-minute massage led to a small reduction in the level of cortisol, a stress hormone, in the blood, a decrease in cytokine proteins related to inflammation and allergic reactions, and a boost in white blood cells that fight infection.”  That means massage can help with many of the diseases and syndromes people deal with, from arthritis to skin problems, obesity to lowered immune systems.

There has been a huge upswing in the research funded on massage, with the National Institutes of Health earmarking $2.7 million on a study.  This is partly due to the large increase in the percentage of the population now utilizing massage therapy as part of their health and wellness treatment.  Hopefully this will lead to a change in insurance policies so that massage therapy, both as treatment and prevention, will be covered, allowing a much greater number of people to receive this treatment.

To read the entire article, go to The Wall Street Journal/ Health and Wellness online.  And then make an appointment for a massage!  It might be the best thing you do for your health and well being.

Sukoshi Rice lives in Blairsville where she teaches and practices TAT, Reiki, yoga and massage therapy since 1985.  She is happy to answer your questions at sukoshi@windstream.net.

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    I am a lifelong seeker of connection with the Divine through music, food, art, meditation, healing work, love, travel and people.  My search has taken me around the world to my current home in the mountains of GA.   Everything I do is part of this Divine Life.  On a good day, I am aware of it, and grateful.

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