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Asking for What I Want

3/30/2012

1 Comment

 
Anne Lamott wrote that when she was learning to eat appropriately, as in eating when she was hungry, not to compensate for some other emotional needs, she felt like "the world's oldest toddler."  I'm with her when it comes to expressing my needs and having them met.  I just wrote in the last post about the people I play music with not reading my mind and figuring out how to make me feel better.  I was kind of stuck in the emotion when I wrote that, then later asked myself what I could have said?  Instead of waiting for someone to ask me what would make me feel better, where's the rule that I can't ask for myself?  And why didn't that occur to me?
There are a lot of reasons.  Most of them would fall under a broad heading of having never learned that it was either safe or a good idea to ask.  At the very least, I wouldn't get what I asked for, and at the very most, I'd be in some kind of trouble.  In my family, this did not extend to stuff.  I could ask for and get stuff pretty easily.  What I didn't learn about was how to ask for what I needed emotionally in a family dominated by PTSD and alcohol.  And so now I'm learning for myself.
First off, this is scary.  What if I say, "I would like ......" and they, my music friends say, "So what?"  or "Who cares what you want?"  They would be kidding, and they would play what I asked, especially if it was my turn to pick the song, but still, sarcasm has a nasty bite to it.  Crossing this tender portal into asking for what I want, the last thing I'm looking for is being shot down.
Sarcasm.  I used to be sarcastic and it still shows up, in a milder form, when I feel defensive.   A past teacher of mine told us that sarcasm comes from the Latin sarc, the tearing of flesh.  That's what it feels like, when someone is sarcastic, and I apologize right here and now to everyone I was sarcastic to.  It is a defense against feeling and a defense against kindness.
Asking for what I want makes me vulnerable.  Not just me, obviously.  It makes anyone vulnerable to ask for what they want.  And if I don't ask, how will I ever get what I want?  I will, as I did a few days ago, hold other people responsible for my feelings.  In a perfect world, I would have learned decades ago how to ask that my needs be met in a healthy way.  And so, once again, the "world's oldest toddler" category feels just right..
1 Comment
dick link
4/1/2012 12:02:35 pm

On the other end of your never having learned to ask for what you want/need, I’m aware that I, and probably most people (men) were never taught to ask, “What do you need? What would you like? How can I help you?” It’s interesting that as I sit here and feel myself in that situation of not asking, “What do you need?” I’m aware that I want someone else to ask. I’d be more than happy to pitch in, but I’m timid about asking, because I don’t know how to… ask (?). Is that it? I’m waiting for a woman to ask, they know how to do that, and then I’ll be more than happy to jump right in and help.
I remember a friend telling me about going to an event in a church, and she had her newly adopted baby, and a carriage, and baby bag(s), and her pocketbook, and a large present, all of which she had to get out of her car, as well as into the carriage, including the baby, once she gets it open and set up, and then get it all up the many stairs and into the building.
There were several young guys standing around up top, talking, probably outside smoking, and do you think anyone would help? Can’t they see what I’m going through? Did any one of them offer, or even ask if she wanted help? They could see that she OBVIOUSLY needed, and would really like some help, (They must know how to read her mind) or did they raionalizingly (?) think that she must do this all the time, and she knows what she’s doing. Don’t they know that since it’s a baby, it’s new, and no, she hasn’t been doing this all along, and no, this is not some ingrained ability that comes in the female y chromosomes that allow them to handle all of these things with ease? No, no, no! Why didn’t one of them ask the question she wanted them to ask, without her having to enlighten them? Or don’t the female chromosomes come with the ingrained ability to ask for what is needed?
What’s needed is a training manual to teach us this stuff, as we go through life. I read recently that the most important thing parents can teach their children, starting around 2, or 4, is altruism. But if no one taught the parents, how are they to know about it? I’d ask, but I’m too uncomfortable, so I’m waiting for someone else to ask first. Then I’ll jump right in and help.
Who the fuck is in charge of evolution around here? Slacker!

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    I am a lifelong seeker of connection with the Divine through music, food, art, meditation, healing work, love, travel and people.  My search has taken me around the world to my current home in the mountains of GA.   Everything I do is part of this Divine Life.  On a good day, I am aware of it, and grateful.

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