Anne Lamott wrote that when she was learning to eat appropriately, as in eating when she was hungry, not to compensate for some other emotional needs, she felt like "the world's oldest toddler." I'm with her when it comes to expressing my needs and having them met. I just wrote in the last post about the people I play music with not reading my mind and figuring out how to make me feel better. I was kind of stuck in the emotion when I wrote that, then later asked myself what I could have said? Instead of waiting for someone to ask me what would make me feel better, where's the rule that I can't ask for myself? And why didn't that occur to me?
There are a lot of reasons. Most of them would fall under a broad heading of having never learned that it was either safe or a good idea to ask. At the very least, I wouldn't get what I asked for, and at the very most, I'd be in some kind of trouble. In my family, this did not extend to stuff. I could ask for and get stuff pretty easily. What I didn't learn about was how to ask for what I needed emotionally in a family dominated by PTSD and alcohol. And so now I'm learning for myself.
First off, this is scary. What if I say, "I would like ......" and they, my music friends say, "So what?" or "Who cares what you want?" They would be kidding, and they would play what I asked, especially if it was my turn to pick the song, but still, sarcasm has a nasty bite to it. Crossing this tender portal into asking for what I want, the last thing I'm looking for is being shot down.
Sarcasm. I used to be sarcastic and it still shows up, in a milder form, when I feel defensive. A past teacher of mine told us that sarcasm comes from the Latin sarc, the tearing of flesh. That's what it feels like, when someone is sarcastic, and I apologize right here and now to everyone I was sarcastic to. It is a defense against feeling and a defense against kindness.
Asking for what I want makes me vulnerable. Not just me, obviously. It makes anyone vulnerable to ask for what they want. And if I don't ask, how will I ever get what I want? I will, as I did a few days ago, hold other people responsible for my feelings. In a perfect world, I would have learned decades ago how to ask that my needs be met in a healthy way. And so, once again, the "world's oldest toddler" category feels just right..
There are a lot of reasons. Most of them would fall under a broad heading of having never learned that it was either safe or a good idea to ask. At the very least, I wouldn't get what I asked for, and at the very most, I'd be in some kind of trouble. In my family, this did not extend to stuff. I could ask for and get stuff pretty easily. What I didn't learn about was how to ask for what I needed emotionally in a family dominated by PTSD and alcohol. And so now I'm learning for myself.
First off, this is scary. What if I say, "I would like ......" and they, my music friends say, "So what?" or "Who cares what you want?" They would be kidding, and they would play what I asked, especially if it was my turn to pick the song, but still, sarcasm has a nasty bite to it. Crossing this tender portal into asking for what I want, the last thing I'm looking for is being shot down.
Sarcasm. I used to be sarcastic and it still shows up, in a milder form, when I feel defensive. A past teacher of mine told us that sarcasm comes from the Latin sarc, the tearing of flesh. That's what it feels like, when someone is sarcastic, and I apologize right here and now to everyone I was sarcastic to. It is a defense against feeling and a defense against kindness.
Asking for what I want makes me vulnerable. Not just me, obviously. It makes anyone vulnerable to ask for what they want. And if I don't ask, how will I ever get what I want? I will, as I did a few days ago, hold other people responsible for my feelings. In a perfect world, I would have learned decades ago how to ask that my needs be met in a healthy way. And so, once again, the "world's oldest toddler" category feels just right..
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